Santa's New Contract ...
A new contract for Santa Claus has
finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully...
From: Santa Claus
To: The Southern States
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer
be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due
to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract
was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.
I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, and
Michigan. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer
breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind. However, I'm
certain that your children will be in good hands with your local
replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His
side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are
a few differences between us, such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that
reads: "These toys are insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children
leave an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace.
And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe, he dips a little snuff though, so
please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared coon dogs instead
of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer
one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen"
when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you'll hear, "On Earnhardt,
on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott
and Petty."
5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"
And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I hear
dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does
have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back
Off." The last I heard, it also had other decorations on the
sleighback as well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that
race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa
Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th
Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown
in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss
Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV"
featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol
cars crashing into each other.
8. And finally, Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you,
I'd make sure you, the wife, and kids turn the other way when he
bends over to put presents under the tree.
Won't be long before Christmas, so get ready.
Sincerely yours,
Santa Claus (Member, North American Fairies and Elves, Local 209)
[Editor's note: No insult intended to our readers in the southern
states!]
